I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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