If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
