I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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