we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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