Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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