So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
