Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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