i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
