i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
