Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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