Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
