This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm like, not good at living.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
