my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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