the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
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similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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