Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
