I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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