I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
