she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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