It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
