Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Damn victory sex feels great
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
