when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
