This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
