just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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