he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
