I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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