My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
