We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
