I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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