I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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