i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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