I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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