hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
