Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
