HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
