apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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