Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
