Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we made out on top of his cat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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