Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
