Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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