shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You can't just leave with hair like that
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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