Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize