Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
