Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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