I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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