Soap is not a condiment
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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