and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
