i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
