I'm going to jail i love you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
