She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
