it was like his penis was on wheels.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
