I wish I only lived at night.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
