After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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