My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
