I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
