I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I currently don't understand fingers.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
